Monday, March 04, 2019

The Waiting Game

3 whole days to D (Diagnosis) day! Unless you have gone through something like this you're not really going to understand how it is, and it's going to be different for everyone. So this Thursday morning I will be driving back into Ipswich and reading a report that the Dr assessing me will have written after chatting to me and asking me questions for 3hrs and 45minutes.

It's hard to put into words how I feel about it all. I don't really feel like I've managed to speak enough about the things I struggle with. I even think the way I am in conversation means that when she has asked about something very important like food, I've started to say how I eat and the foods that I eat, but I've wandered off on yet another tangent halfway through and don't even think I've covered this area properly.

In the famous words of Doris Day 'Que Se Ra, Se Ra. I am trying to just let it be. I'm trying to keep busy. Some days are easier than others. This morning I woke up early (5.20) and had a lovely run as the sky lightened. My pace right now is pretty hit and miss, but running is a kind of meditation for me so I need to keep going now more than ever and not worry about it.

There have been a thousand and one thoughts rushing through my brain on a daily basis and mostly I'm just trying to keep busy. There's never a shortage of things to do around here, I've made a list to try and organise and pin down what needs doing, projects that I've started and a list of things that I want to do.

I think I started the puzzle (Klimt The Kiss) around the 10th of February. You either love a puzzle or you hate them. I find it a little bit magical, you're working on a section of border and you're convinced there must be pieces missing as things aren't matching up, 2 days later on closer investigation and with a little re arranging it magically works. I could stay there poring over puzzle pieces all day some days, but I don't, well if I need to I will, but you need to walk away and come back, usually that's when the piece you were looking for suddenly just materialises in the box you have looked through about 300 times already. What I'm really enjoying about this puzzle is the study of the finer details of a famous painting, things you may not notice unless you spend hours working out what a piece is and where it goes, anyway this puzzle still has a long way to go.

Today I didn't write a plan, or a to do list. I thought a friend was going to visit, so I wasn't sure what we were going to do.  I've already failed because it was suggested I write a timetable (which is a good idea) and I didn't, oops. So top of today's list, write a list, prepare some kind of a timetable for the rest of the week and tackle a job that is already in process. I've written it here now, that means I'm accountable I better go and do it! I'm just not sure what I want to achieve this week, apart from a positive diagnosis and that is out of my hands and beyond my control. Watch this space!